I'm a person who prides herself on being self sufficient. I have to be. My independence is a large part of my identity, but I've found that over the years I don't cling to that the way I used to. I have a family now – I’m a wife – and with that I have to let go a little. I'll be the first to admit I'm a work in progress when it comes to letting go, but I am making an effort and I know I'm better than I used to be.
This weekend I found myself in a situation where I couldn't be completely self sufficient though. I had a weekend full of plans with friends. The first 'fun' weekend I'd had in awhile. I was really looking forward to everything, and then suddenly my plans were changed with the slice of a cucumber.
I was making a salad to take to a girlfriend's baby shower on Saturday morning. A cucumber salad. I was trying to get everything done and I was keenly aware that I was running late. As I finished slicing the cucumber in my hand I was thinking about everything I still had left to do, and then I felt it. I looked down, and for a split second I saw the white of freshly exposed flesh on the edge of my thumb. Flesh that had never seen sunlight. Or had felt air. Or had encountered cucumber juice. And just as quickly it was covered in a gush of blood.
I had, quite literally, cut off part of my thumb.
I quickly grabbed a paper towel and squeezed down on my finger. Looking back to the cutting board I flipped over the mandolin and saw a pinky nail sized piece of flesh stuck to the underside of the blade. I carefully slid it off and placed it back on my thumb. Not so bad, right? It was a decent enough chunk that I wasn't going to write it off, but at the same time I doubted any Dr. would see it as worth sewing back on. It was at that point I froze and realized: I had no idea where to go. I didn't know where the Naval Hospital was on base, and even if I did, it wasn't like I could drive myself there. I quickly grabbed my phone with my free fingers and started calling my girlfriends in the area. They were all military wives so I knew someone would know where to take me. Every number I called went unanswered. Who knew that at 10a on a Saturday morning I'd go 0-4 when there was an actual emergency? That was when the panic started to set it. I didn't want to call 911 because it wasn't a life threatening emergency. I wasn't able to really type well because of the pressure I was holding on my hand, so Googling what I didn't already know was out of the question. I don't think I've ever felt more alone or isolated than I did at that moment. All of my self sufficiency wasn't doing me a lick of good right then. I needed help, and for once when I was willing to seek it out and accept it I couldn't find any. I could feel tears in my eyes in sheer frustration at my situation. The one thing I wanted more than anything was for D to be there, and that was the one most impossible thing I could have asked for.
I sat for a moment and racked my brain, trying to think of what my options were, and I realized the most obvious option lived next door. I'd met my neighbors on a few occasions and had even exchanged contact info with them, and while I hate imposing on people I don't know very well, this was one time I knew I didn't have a choice. I quickly made my way next door and rang the doorbell. As I stood on their porch I realized I was shaking. My nerves were starting to fail me as the gravity of my situation was starting to sink in.
I had just cut off part of my thumb 15 minutes ago. Holy $%*&!
My neighbor answered the door still in his bathrobe and was his usual jovial self until he saw the look on my face and the bloody paper towel clenched in my hand. I tried to return his now faltering smile but I just couldn't do it. He asked me, "What happened? Did you cut yourself?" and I could see his smile fading fast, being quickly replaced by a look of concern. I opened my mouth to tell him and suddenly got choked up. I don't know why. I finally managed to squeak out, "I need help."
The next ten minutes were a blur. He brought me into his kitchen and sat me on a stool at the breakfast bar. I could tell he was starting to panic too because he was pacing back and forth as he asked me questions. I managed to tell him what happened but my composure was completely gone at that point. The tears were streaming down my face and I could not make them stop. He brought me some tissues while he went and told his wife what was going on. He then came back and asked me which hospital I needed to go to, and I had to admit I didn't know. He wanted to call the medics but I protested. I knew he was feeling overwhelmed and wanted someone to take care of me right away, but in spite of everything happening, the entire situation - the bloody paper towel in my hand, the piece of my thumb that was no longer attached - the first thing that popped into my brain when he said call the medics was, "and how much will that cost me?" (Ah, the Ever Present Question... the true sign of a new homeowner, right?)
He was adamant about calling though, so I let him. Within three minutes they were there, and suddenly it was like the pages of a firefighter's calendar walking into the kitchen. I didn't know that many good looking guys could be in the same room at once. I'm pretty sure you need a permit for that sort of thing. They were all very nice and professional, but I'm sure they could see that I was shaken up. After peeling away the paper towel so they could see the damage they weighed in on my options. They echoed my assessment that there wasn't enough to sew back on, but the flap was just large enough that it'd leave a sizable dent if removed. They asked me if I wanted them to take me to the hospital, but I thanked them and declined. That just seemed way too overkill to me for what amounted to a flesh wound. My neighbor's wife had emerged from getting dressed at this point and offered to take me to the ER, so I took her up on it. A wave of relief washed over me as I got into her car. I knew everything was going to be alright.
After all was said and done I didn't get any stitches (no surprise). I currently have a mummy thumb, all wrapped in gauze, and go back tomorrow for my 'wound check'. The term the nurse used when calling back for my treatment was "partial finger amputation".
Yuck.
I'm doing better now. I got to talk to D on Saturday night which helped a lot. He was sympathetic to my plight but he's been dealing with his own issues lately (work related,) so we both talked about what was on our minds. I wish it was easier for us to have those types of conversations, I always feel so much better after we do. I'm grateful that I have such wonderful neighbors, and that I was able to push my comfort zone and ask for help when in less severe circumstances I might not have been able to.
As far as my self sufficiency is concerned, even I realize that there are limits to what we can do for ourselves. I just feel fortunate that I was able to get help when I really needed it.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Decisions
I was going through my email account cleaning things up when I got to the drafts folder. In it was an email I'd started a year ago, and I remembered being wrought with emotion while I was writing it. I never ended up sending it, although I still tear up thinking about that period of time and where we are now. It was exactly one year ago that we found out that D had to leave CA and go to another unit, either in North Carolina or Japan (and I guess we know how that went...)
D came home late from work one day and I could tell something was wrong. So I asked him what was going on, and he told me. Just like that. No prep, no easing into it. The bomb was dropped. And all at once I felt like my world was crumbling around me. I couldn't even look at him as he discussed what our options were - he'd had all day to process this information and think it over while I was speechless, pretending to wash the dishes with my back to him so he couldn't see the tears rolling down my face. We'd been told only a month before that we would get to stay in CA for at least another year. We'd just gotten married and had started looking for a house to buy. I'd finally started to plan my life here in San Diego, something I hadn't really allowed myself to do before and suddenly that was being taken away. I was bitter, but I couldn't show it because I wasn't allowed to be. I chose this life when I chose D.
On top of it all, after spending the day weighing all the options, D told me his first choice was to go unaccompanied to Japan. It would mean only two years away instead of three, and a slightly better chance of getting to come back to San Diego instead of being sent somewhere else. All I could think was, "but that means we won't be together..."
I cried myself to sleep that night. Everyone knows that with military life comes these possibilities, but it's like getting a vaccine: even if you know it's coming, it can still hurt. A lot.
My email was to one of my best friends, LT. She's my voice of reason when I have a difficult decision to make, because I can always count on her to give it to me straight. No sugar coating or just telling me what I want to hear. I outlined the pros and cons for each scenario and wanted her to look at the situation from an objective standpoint and tell me if there was anything I was missing. Any silver lining I couldn't see. Because really, when I looked at all my options listed in bullit points my eyes kept going to the same lines:
Option 3: D goes unaccompanied to Japan
Cons
At that point we'd barely been married for two months. D had only returned from his fourth deployment three months earlier. I'd just gotten him home and was now having to contemplate living apart from him for years, not just months at a time with a set return date to look forward to. All of our options felt like one big lose-lose for one reason or another.
Ultimately I didn't send the email to LT because I realized that as much as I wanted help making this decision, nothing anyone said to me was going to make me feel better or make the situation easier to accept. I knew that whatever decisions D and I ended up making would be with our best long term interests in mind, and at the end of the day a few years of our life spent apart would be a drop in the bucket when we have the rest of our lives to spend together. We ended up finding out a few weeks later that D was being stationed in Japan, and at that time he requested to go unaccompanied.
I still have moments where I wonder what things would be like if I'd gone with him. And conversely, I have moments where I'm glad that I stayed. I struggle with the lack of communication at times, and I get frustrated when I have things I want to say but no one to say them to. When I have a good day and no one to share it with. When I have a bad day and just need a hug, but come home to an empty house.
Overall, I miss my friend...
D came home late from work one day and I could tell something was wrong. So I asked him what was going on, and he told me. Just like that. No prep, no easing into it. The bomb was dropped. And all at once I felt like my world was crumbling around me. I couldn't even look at him as he discussed what our options were - he'd had all day to process this information and think it over while I was speechless, pretending to wash the dishes with my back to him so he couldn't see the tears rolling down my face. We'd been told only a month before that we would get to stay in CA for at least another year. We'd just gotten married and had started looking for a house to buy. I'd finally started to plan my life here in San Diego, something I hadn't really allowed myself to do before and suddenly that was being taken away. I was bitter, but I couldn't show it because I wasn't allowed to be. I chose this life when I chose D.
On top of it all, after spending the day weighing all the options, D told me his first choice was to go unaccompanied to Japan. It would mean only two years away instead of three, and a slightly better chance of getting to come back to San Diego instead of being sent somewhere else. All I could think was, "but that means we won't be together..."
I cried myself to sleep that night. Everyone knows that with military life comes these possibilities, but it's like getting a vaccine: even if you know it's coming, it can still hurt. A lot.
My email was to one of my best friends, LT. She's my voice of reason when I have a difficult decision to make, because I can always count on her to give it to me straight. No sugar coating or just telling me what I want to hear. I outlined the pros and cons for each scenario and wanted her to look at the situation from an objective standpoint and tell me if there was anything I was missing. Any silver lining I couldn't see. Because really, when I looked at all my options listed in bullit points my eyes kept going to the same lines:
Option 3: D goes unaccompanied to Japan
Cons
- we won't be together
- life will essentially be put on hold for two years
At that point we'd barely been married for two months. D had only returned from his fourth deployment three months earlier. I'd just gotten him home and was now having to contemplate living apart from him for years, not just months at a time with a set return date to look forward to. All of our options felt like one big lose-lose for one reason or another.
Ultimately I didn't send the email to LT because I realized that as much as I wanted help making this decision, nothing anyone said to me was going to make me feel better or make the situation easier to accept. I knew that whatever decisions D and I ended up making would be with our best long term interests in mind, and at the end of the day a few years of our life spent apart would be a drop in the bucket when we have the rest of our lives to spend together. We ended up finding out a few weeks later that D was being stationed in Japan, and at that time he requested to go unaccompanied.
I still have moments where I wonder what things would be like if I'd gone with him. And conversely, I have moments where I'm glad that I stayed. I struggle with the lack of communication at times, and I get frustrated when I have things I want to say but no one to say them to. When I have a good day and no one to share it with. When I have a bad day and just need a hug, but come home to an empty house.
Overall, I miss my friend...
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Makeover
So, I've been really bad about updating my blog.
I thought for sure with D gone I'd be blogging constantly - and yet, true to form - I've found an all consuming project that has taken pretty much all of my free time. Who knew my foray into the land of landscape design would take over my life?
In two more days I will no longer have a front yard that remotely resembles the yard I had when we bought the house just two and a half months ago. It's been a thrilling process as far as dreaming up something in my head and seeing it come to life on such a large scale. Yet at the same time, it's sad/scary because D hasn't really had a hand in any of it, and the last time I was dealing with dollar figures this high I was buying a car.
Things are really moving along though. It feels like all the pieces are falling into place at breakneck speed, and I still marvel at all the different working parts needed to remodel a yard. Just to give you a better idea of how I've spent my free time in the last month and a half, here's an overview:
Landscape Design, 101
First there was the whole design phase where I spent a few weeks deciding what I wanted the 'new' yard to look like. That included discussing semantics with my dad like where to place the conduit pipes to run the electrical and water lines through for the sprinkler system and lights in the yard (because what's the point of redoing your yard if you're not going to install an automatic sprinkler system while you're at it?) All of these were going to be laid down under the pavers, so I had to map them out on my plans to make sure they were included in the bids.
Then there's drain placement so the hardscape and landscape drain properly. Then there's walkway width (because of course, you don't want them too wide or too narrow). Naturally that segues into the overall flow of the hardscape and landscape placement and their functionality, not to mention the Ever Present Question, "and just how much is all of this going to cost me?"
After we got all of those details squared away I started shopping my design to various paver companies to get the answer to said Ever Present Question. I looked at paver colors, patterns, sizes, and shapes and settled on what I thought would go best with the house. I got quotes that were in line with how much I thought it'd cost, and I got quotes that made me scratch my head and go, "do they think I'm a schmuck or something?" After going over the numbers and driving around to see the workmanship from their reference lists (HIGHLY recommended if you're ever hiring a contractor of any sort... a reputable one will have a reference list they will give out gladly, and should frankly volunteer), I settled on the outfit who had the best quality of workmanship and ironically, was the lowest bid as well. Funny enough, picking an outfit was (almost) the easiest part of the process...
After the designs were done I started researching what all I'd need to get done before they ripped out my concrete. Turns out, quite a bit. I had several trees in the yard I wanted removed (well, I wanted everything removed actually,) so I contacted local arbor specialists to get quotes from that group of people. Since the plants all needed to be removed before the hardscape project started, finding a yard demo company was a pressing matter. On top of that, since they'd be digging to remove the plants, I needed Dig Alert to notify all the utility companies (gas, electric, cable, water, telephone) so they could come out and mark where all their lines and mains were so no one would accidently rupture the gas line and blow up the neighborhood. Minor detail. After giving all of them my laundry list (removal of 13 trees, plants, shrubs, bushes, grass, with rototilling and grinding out the stumps of all above mentioned trees) and receiving quotes, I had my crew chosen and a demo date set.
And still, we're not done. Since the side yard was getting redone as well, I needed my air conditioner moved so they could break up the concrete beneath it and put pavers down so it would look all nice and pretty when they were done. Did you know it costs $100 just to have an AC guy come disconnect your AC and move it a few feet to the backyard? Yea, neither did I (and apparently that's a great deal too!) Oh, and if you want it moved back and reconnected, that will be an additional $250. Of course when they removed the AC they found it had been placed right in front of the dryer vent (genius!), so the whole backside was covered in dryer lint, which naturally makes it less efficient. (They also found a black widow spider living in there, which makes me glad I wasn't home for that particular project. Not a fan of arachnids). Knowing this for when we reconnect it, we can move it further down the wall and prevent that from being an issue in the future. But moving it farther down will cost an extra $50 since we'll need longer wires and lines to move it away from its current outlets.
This is the point where you stop caring about an extra $50 because in the grand scheme of this project, it's become a drop in the bucket.
Oh, and none of this even takes into consideration the fact that I have an HOA in my neighborhood, and they have to approve my plans before anyone is allowed to come destroy my yard. Luckily that's been the easiest part of this whole project. I received a 'unanimous' approval less than 24 hours after emailing them my plans. Guess my neighbors hate my yard as much as I do. :P
So in the last four days my entire yard has been dug up and rototilled, my AC has been moved, and the outlines of my hardscape have been spray painted onto the yard so I can see what my paper plans look like in a life size scale. As you can imagine, the excitement is really starting to set in. More than anything I feel so incredibly fortunate that my parents live so close, and that my dad is retired and can act as project manager while I'm at work during the week. Him being available like this is really what even makes this whole thing possible.
What will make all of this worth it of course will be having a beautiful new yard to enjoy.
That and the look on D's face when he comes home and doesn't recognize his own house (LOL!!)
I thought for sure with D gone I'd be blogging constantly - and yet, true to form - I've found an all consuming project that has taken pretty much all of my free time. Who knew my foray into the land of landscape design would take over my life?
In two more days I will no longer have a front yard that remotely resembles the yard I had when we bought the house just two and a half months ago. It's been a thrilling process as far as dreaming up something in my head and seeing it come to life on such a large scale. Yet at the same time, it's sad/scary because D hasn't really had a hand in any of it, and the last time I was dealing with dollar figures this high I was buying a car.
Things are really moving along though. It feels like all the pieces are falling into place at breakneck speed, and I still marvel at all the different working parts needed to remodel a yard. Just to give you a better idea of how I've spent my free time in the last month and a half, here's an overview:
Landscape Design, 101
First there was the whole design phase where I spent a few weeks deciding what I wanted the 'new' yard to look like. That included discussing semantics with my dad like where to place the conduit pipes to run the electrical and water lines through for the sprinkler system and lights in the yard (because what's the point of redoing your yard if you're not going to install an automatic sprinkler system while you're at it?) All of these were going to be laid down under the pavers, so I had to map them out on my plans to make sure they were included in the bids.
Then there's drain placement so the hardscape and landscape drain properly. Then there's walkway width (because of course, you don't want them too wide or too narrow). Naturally that segues into the overall flow of the hardscape and landscape placement and their functionality, not to mention the Ever Present Question, "and just how much is all of this going to cost me?"
After we got all of those details squared away I started shopping my design to various paver companies to get the answer to said Ever Present Question. I looked at paver colors, patterns, sizes, and shapes and settled on what I thought would go best with the house. I got quotes that were in line with how much I thought it'd cost, and I got quotes that made me scratch my head and go, "do they think I'm a schmuck or something?" After going over the numbers and driving around to see the workmanship from their reference lists (HIGHLY recommended if you're ever hiring a contractor of any sort... a reputable one will have a reference list they will give out gladly, and should frankly volunteer), I settled on the outfit who had the best quality of workmanship and ironically, was the lowest bid as well. Funny enough, picking an outfit was (almost) the easiest part of the process...
After the designs were done I started researching what all I'd need to get done before they ripped out my concrete. Turns out, quite a bit. I had several trees in the yard I wanted removed (well, I wanted everything removed actually,) so I contacted local arbor specialists to get quotes from that group of people. Since the plants all needed to be removed before the hardscape project started, finding a yard demo company was a pressing matter. On top of that, since they'd be digging to remove the plants, I needed Dig Alert to notify all the utility companies (gas, electric, cable, water, telephone) so they could come out and mark where all their lines and mains were so no one would accidently rupture the gas line and blow up the neighborhood. Minor detail. After giving all of them my laundry list (removal of 13 trees, plants, shrubs, bushes, grass, with rototilling and grinding out the stumps of all above mentioned trees) and receiving quotes, I had my crew chosen and a demo date set.
And still, we're not done. Since the side yard was getting redone as well, I needed my air conditioner moved so they could break up the concrete beneath it and put pavers down so it would look all nice and pretty when they were done. Did you know it costs $100 just to have an AC guy come disconnect your AC and move it a few feet to the backyard? Yea, neither did I (and apparently that's a great deal too!) Oh, and if you want it moved back and reconnected, that will be an additional $250. Of course when they removed the AC they found it had been placed right in front of the dryer vent (genius!), so the whole backside was covered in dryer lint, which naturally makes it less efficient. (They also found a black widow spider living in there, which makes me glad I wasn't home for that particular project. Not a fan of arachnids). Knowing this for when we reconnect it, we can move it further down the wall and prevent that from being an issue in the future. But moving it farther down will cost an extra $50 since we'll need longer wires and lines to move it away from its current outlets.
This is the point where you stop caring about an extra $50 because in the grand scheme of this project, it's become a drop in the bucket.
Oh, and none of this even takes into consideration the fact that I have an HOA in my neighborhood, and they have to approve my plans before anyone is allowed to come destroy my yard. Luckily that's been the easiest part of this whole project. I received a 'unanimous' approval less than 24 hours after emailing them my plans. Guess my neighbors hate my yard as much as I do. :P
So in the last four days my entire yard has been dug up and rototilled, my AC has been moved, and the outlines of my hardscape have been spray painted onto the yard so I can see what my paper plans look like in a life size scale. As you can imagine, the excitement is really starting to set in. More than anything I feel so incredibly fortunate that my parents live so close, and that my dad is retired and can act as project manager while I'm at work during the week. Him being available like this is really what even makes this whole thing possible.
What will make all of this worth it of course will be having a beautiful new yard to enjoy.
That and the look on D's face when he comes home and doesn't recognize his own house (LOL!!)
Sunday, September 12, 2010
One Year
Today's the day. One year ago today I married D (and the Marine Corps for that matter). My how time flies when you're insanely busy.
I actually got to talk to D yesterday morning which was a very happy surprise. We hadn't spoken on the phone since he arrived in Japan over two weeks ago, so hearing his voice was a great way to start the weekend. He hasn't had Internet in his room since he got there, so there's no way to email, IM, or skype. I really miss being able to talk to him on a regular basis, but its amazing how something as simple as an hour long phone call can make you feel so much better. Our lack of communication since he got there has been making me more and more anxious. I feel like there's so much going on that I want/need to talk to him about, and yet I can't.
Unfortunately he was calling because he'd had a particularly bad day and really needed to talk to me, but I was glad that I heard the phone ring and woke up so I could take his call. It also made me glad that when he had a bad day, the one person he wanted to talk to about it was me. You have to understand, my husband is not a complainer. He's a Marine. He compartmentalizes things that bother/upset him because that's what he was trained to do. They can't allow anything to distract them because depending on where they are and what they're doing, that could put people's lives at risk. Do I wish he was able to talk about what's on his mind more than he does? Absolutely. But I understand why he doesn't, and I just hope someday when he's no longer active duty he can learn to process things as they happen rather than store them away to be forgotten.
We were also able to talk about the tentative plans for the yard which is something I've been itching to do. It's been weird meeting with designers and getting estimates and mapping things out without him here to bounce ideas off of, get immediate input on. I'm really excited about it all though, the yard is going to look so great when it's done! I'm meeting with another outfit this week and after I get numbers back from them I should be able to make a decision about who to hire. I'm still having moments where I sit back and say, "holy cow, we own a house."
Other than adjusting to D being gone life is starting to take it's familiar "on my own schedule" shape. I feel perpetually tired, and yet I can't seem to get to bed before 12m or 1a. I'll just start puttering around the house doing little things that need to get done and before I know it, it's waaaaaaay past my bedtime. If D were home we'd be in bed by 1030p every night. He's a routine guy like that.
For our one year anniversary gift (to ourselves) I got us an anniversary journal. It's a gorgeous hand bound book with entries for us to write about each anniversary - how we celebrated, memorable moments from the year, and a place for us to share our thoughts on the last year with one another. I figured since we'd be spending the next few years apart it'd be a good way to document the time we did get to spend together, and also a great thing to be able to look back on further down the road.
I don't know what the next few years are going to be like, but I know this first year was our best yet: it's the longest amount of uninterrupted time we've spent together since we met, and I can't think of a better way to spend your first year of marriage.
Happy Anniversary D, I love you.
I actually got to talk to D yesterday morning which was a very happy surprise. We hadn't spoken on the phone since he arrived in Japan over two weeks ago, so hearing his voice was a great way to start the weekend. He hasn't had Internet in his room since he got there, so there's no way to email, IM, or skype. I really miss being able to talk to him on a regular basis, but its amazing how something as simple as an hour long phone call can make you feel so much better. Our lack of communication since he got there has been making me more and more anxious. I feel like there's so much going on that I want/need to talk to him about, and yet I can't.
Unfortunately he was calling because he'd had a particularly bad day and really needed to talk to me, but I was glad that I heard the phone ring and woke up so I could take his call. It also made me glad that when he had a bad day, the one person he wanted to talk to about it was me. You have to understand, my husband is not a complainer. He's a Marine. He compartmentalizes things that bother/upset him because that's what he was trained to do. They can't allow anything to distract them because depending on where they are and what they're doing, that could put people's lives at risk. Do I wish he was able to talk about what's on his mind more than he does? Absolutely. But I understand why he doesn't, and I just hope someday when he's no longer active duty he can learn to process things as they happen rather than store them away to be forgotten.
We were also able to talk about the tentative plans for the yard which is something I've been itching to do. It's been weird meeting with designers and getting estimates and mapping things out without him here to bounce ideas off of, get immediate input on. I'm really excited about it all though, the yard is going to look so great when it's done! I'm meeting with another outfit this week and after I get numbers back from them I should be able to make a decision about who to hire. I'm still having moments where I sit back and say, "holy cow, we own a house."
Other than adjusting to D being gone life is starting to take it's familiar "on my own schedule" shape. I feel perpetually tired, and yet I can't seem to get to bed before 12m or 1a. I'll just start puttering around the house doing little things that need to get done and before I know it, it's waaaaaaay past my bedtime. If D were home we'd be in bed by 1030p every night. He's a routine guy like that.
For our one year anniversary gift (to ourselves) I got us an anniversary journal. It's a gorgeous hand bound book with entries for us to write about each anniversary - how we celebrated, memorable moments from the year, and a place for us to share our thoughts on the last year with one another. I figured since we'd be spending the next few years apart it'd be a good way to document the time we did get to spend together, and also a great thing to be able to look back on further down the road.
I don't know what the next few years are going to be like, but I know this first year was our best yet: it's the longest amount of uninterrupted time we've spent together since we met, and I can't think of a better way to spend your first year of marriage.
Happy Anniversary D, I love you.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Big Girls Don't Cry
The day came and went, and now he's gone.
As I sat in the car and watched him roll his bags into the terminal I found myself dry eyed. I felt none of the things you're supposed to feel as you're watching your husband walk away, knowing it will be months before you'll see him again. I felt numb.
When we'd said our goodbye's at the curb the first thing he said was, "I love you." I don't think he knows how much that meant to me, because I'm always the one to say it first. It's not that I love him more or he loves me less, it's just how we are. His deviation from protocol told me how much he didn't want to leave without him having to say it. It was probably the best going away present he could have given me.
And still, I didn't cry.
I drove from the airport to work. I needed to feel productive, and it was nice to get back to "the usual" again after having been out for a week. It helped take my mind off of the empty house that would be waiting for me when I got home that night. I had plans to meet up with some girlfriends at the street fair in Downtown that night after work for dinner, which turned out to be a lot of fun. If there's anyone who could understand how I felt it was military wives, so hanging out with them right after D left was perfect. By the time I got home I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. I had no trouble falling asleep.
And yet, staying asleep seemed to be an issue.
I kept waking up, very aware that I was alone in our room. In our house. I'd never spent the night alone in the house since we moved so it was particularly strange. It felt entirely too empty and quiet without him there, without the rhythm of his breathing to lull me to sleep. I checked the clock every time I woke up. Trying to see if it was close to when D was supposed to arrive in Okinawa. He'd told me he'd call when he got there, and I couldn't help but wonder if that's what was preventing me from sleeping through the night.
It was my alarm this morning that signaled the end to that vicious cycle. As much as I didn't want to get up I was tired of sleeping in limbo. It was 6:15am and I still hadn't heard from him. I put on my glasses and my robe, and just in case I slipped my phone in my robe pocket. I went downstairs and the cat immediately ran to the foot of the stairs to greet me. I can always count on him to make me feel loved. As we had our morning 'love fest' my phone started ringing, and I couldn't help but smile. I knew it was him without even having to look at it.
He sounded good considering he'd spent a large amount of time on a plane and was now 16 hours ahead from where he'd been less than 24 hours ago. He'd made it safe and sound and was only one bag short from when he'd left, but other than that everything was fine. He was exhausted (understandably) so the conversation was short, but it was so good to hear his voice. He told me to "have fun at work" and I told him, "I'll try".
At least his sense of humor didn't get misplaced with his luggage. :P
As I sat in the car and watched him roll his bags into the terminal I found myself dry eyed. I felt none of the things you're supposed to feel as you're watching your husband walk away, knowing it will be months before you'll see him again. I felt numb.
When we'd said our goodbye's at the curb the first thing he said was, "I love you." I don't think he knows how much that meant to me, because I'm always the one to say it first. It's not that I love him more or he loves me less, it's just how we are. His deviation from protocol told me how much he didn't want to leave without him having to say it. It was probably the best going away present he could have given me.
And still, I didn't cry.
I drove from the airport to work. I needed to feel productive, and it was nice to get back to "the usual" again after having been out for a week. It helped take my mind off of the empty house that would be waiting for me when I got home that night. I had plans to meet up with some girlfriends at the street fair in Downtown that night after work for dinner, which turned out to be a lot of fun. If there's anyone who could understand how I felt it was military wives, so hanging out with them right after D left was perfect. By the time I got home I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. I had no trouble falling asleep.
And yet, staying asleep seemed to be an issue.
I kept waking up, very aware that I was alone in our room. In our house. I'd never spent the night alone in the house since we moved so it was particularly strange. It felt entirely too empty and quiet without him there, without the rhythm of his breathing to lull me to sleep. I checked the clock every time I woke up. Trying to see if it was close to when D was supposed to arrive in Okinawa. He'd told me he'd call when he got there, and I couldn't help but wonder if that's what was preventing me from sleeping through the night.
It was my alarm this morning that signaled the end to that vicious cycle. As much as I didn't want to get up I was tired of sleeping in limbo. It was 6:15am and I still hadn't heard from him. I put on my glasses and my robe, and just in case I slipped my phone in my robe pocket. I went downstairs and the cat immediately ran to the foot of the stairs to greet me. I can always count on him to make me feel loved. As we had our morning 'love fest' my phone started ringing, and I couldn't help but smile. I knew it was him without even having to look at it.
He sounded good considering he'd spent a large amount of time on a plane and was now 16 hours ahead from where he'd been less than 24 hours ago. He'd made it safe and sound and was only one bag short from when he'd left, but other than that everything was fine. He was exhausted (understandably) so the conversation was short, but it was so good to hear his voice. He told me to "have fun at work" and I told him, "I'll try".
At least his sense of humor didn't get misplaced with his luggage. :P
Saturday, August 7, 2010
S, A, T-U-R, D-A-Y, hey!
A hot cup of white tea, Pandora streaming on the bluray, lounging in my bathrobe on the new sectional on a peaceful Saturday morning.
All with the new house completely to myself (for the entire day!)
If this isn't a great start to the weekend, I don't know what is.
Today marks the first "Me!" day I've had since we moved, and while it would seem crazy to have a "Me!" day right before hubs is about to move out of the country, these are the things that help make my life feel normal.
All with the new house completely to myself (for the entire day!)
If this isn't a great start to the weekend, I don't know what is.
Today marks the first "Me!" day I've had since we moved, and while it would seem crazy to have a "Me!" day right before hubs is about to move out of the country, these are the things that help make my life feel normal.
Very rarely while D’s home do I get a free day to myself on the weekend to just do whatever I want on my own. The usual monotony of errand running, household chores, grocery shopping and social gatherings are a typical weekend schedule for us (not that we don’t like the social gathering parts, we just get to a point after a while where we want to spend a Saturday night at home doing nothing in particular).
D’s off on a motorcycle ride with the club today to the Ronald Regan Library so he’ll be gone pretty much all day. He had to leave fairly early to meet the guys so I decided to hang out in bed with the cat a little longer before getting up to go to yoga. Except when my alarm went off, I wasn’t read to get up yet. Its Saturday I thought. One of two days you even have the possibility of sleeping in! You have the entire day to squeeze a workout in. Why not just sleep until you wake-up naturally and feel rested? How can I argue with that logic? :P
The next time I opened my eyes, it was just after 9am. There was a nice breeze coming in my bedroom window and the cat was napping at the foot of the bed (where he’d surprisingly spent most of the night). I could hear our neighbor’s roosters, peacocks and donkeys in the distance telling me it was definitely time to get up (oh yea, did I forget to mention? We moved to Green Acres and livestock is a part of my life’s soundtrack now). It’s definitely taken some getting used to, but at the same time it’s one of those crazy things that you don’t get in any old subdivision. I kind of like it.
The house transformation has been going great, but there’s still a lot to do. My mission today is to get a few loose ends finished off (empty some more boxes, find places for whatevers in said boxes, organize the upstairs bedrooms a little more…) I’m rather looking forward to having the house look really lived in rather than just moved into.
As for the rest of the day… If the sun ever decides to come out, I might even make a foray to the beach. Here’s hoping!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Ch-ch-ch-changes!
So much has happened since I last wrote, I hardly know where to begin.
My last post was full of unanswered questions and three months ago (I know, bad blogger…) My world has been shaken and stirred in so many directions during the last month that I feel like a snow globe. I’d been watching the weeks rolling past on the calendar, getting closer to our “we have to move NOW” date without any new developments on our pending home purchase. I’m truly surprised I don’t have an ulcer by now. We were both ridiculously anxious, and I could tell it was really starting to wear us down.
Obviously things didn’t end horribly, but I’ll give you the breakdown: Since my last post we’ve moved into our home (yay for not being homeless!!), attended my high school reunion, visited family in Chicago, saw the Cubs loose at Wrigley (all while hanging with JB and her new man! Had so much fun!!), signed what seems like a million papers (the upside being I’ve perfected my new signature), I entered my last year of my 20's, we've hosted several get together's for both family and friends, closed escrow, made-over several rooms, and now have three and a half weeks until D leaves for a two year duty station in Japan. Needless to say I’m feeling a little overwhelmed.
We’ve been going full force for the last few months straight and I can feel its effects. I’ve been sleeping like the dead and don’t feel rested unless I’ve gotten eight hours. Other than our week in Chicago I haven’t taken any time off before or after the move, and I think that has a lot to do with how I’m feeling. I look at everything we’ve done in the last month that we’ve lived here though and at least feel satisfied at all we’ve accomplished. It’s tangible, which always makes me feel good.
The cat has been a never ending source of entertainment since we got here. The move was not an enjoyable experience for him, unfortunately, and during our first night in the house he hid under the couch the whole time. We allowed him into our room on night two and he proceeded to pass out in the crook of my arm for the entire night. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that cat sleep that hard. He didn’t wake up to walk all over me once, which was a very pleasant surprise. Since then he’s warmed up to the new living situation though and now appears to be quite content (which in turn makes me very happy). We even upped the ante on the “I love my cat THIS much” meter and bought him (or us?) a CatGenie, but that deserves a post all to itself. With pictures. (more to come on that…)
Now that the dust has settled a bit we’re in that place where we sit back and go, “now what?” It still seems surreal to be a homeowner, let alone the fact that our one year wedding anniversary is right around the corner. One year! It feels like it could be a day. The months seem to have melted together, which is funny since this has been the longest period of time we’ve spent together since we met. Well, it’s not funny, that’s military life for you. It’s a good feeling to look at the person you promised to spend the rest of your life with (in front of God and your family at that,) and know that it was the best decision you ever made. That's what makes all of this bearable.
I know the next few weeks are going to be gone before I know it as well, so I’m doing my best to make the most out of them (i.e. doing things other than house projects). My biggest problem is I have a carryover list of things I want to do with D from the last few deployments that still haven’t been completed, so what the hell is my list going to look like with D living in Japan for the next two years?
Very, very long I’m guessing.
(25 more days – trying to make them count)
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