Struggle Within

I won't lie; I've had a time of it with D gone as of late.

It's like I took two steps forward in setting up my 'home alone' routine, and his visit at Christmas set me back to square one. In the three weeks he was home I got used to him being around, having someone to talk to. It made me realize just how much I miss him when he's gone.

Normally I adjust when he leaves, keep calm and carry on. I'm really, really good at staying busy, which is a valuable skill set when you're a military wife. I think what's been throwing me off course is the fact that he's not on a deployment, and that sets me up for the expectation that I can talk to him regularly (like we did during his last two deployments). That we can Skype all the time so I can see his face. That we'll still have our usual sarcastic banter back and forth via IM and email that makes it feel like we have a normal relationship, like everyone else who gets to see their spouse every day.

Except we don't.

His new unit and subsequent work schedule keeps him at work 14+ hour days in most cases. Not even weekends are sacred. I emailed the FRO to find out why the crazy hours were a regular thing and was basically told this is just the way it is, so we have to deal with it. Which of course is no comfort, and being half way around the world I don’t have the support of the other wives who are just as husband-less as I am. I am an island (which I find ironic since Okinawa is an island, and San Diego is anything but). 

I saw this post on another blog I happened across, Whiskey Straight, and it perfectly articulated how I've been feeling:

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life…

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

“One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

“The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

“This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The old chief simply replied,

“The one you feed.”

I don't want to feed the frustration and bitterness that gets a hold of me every now and then, but it's really hard not to sometimes. I never thought I'd be in a position where talking to my spouse was a luxury, and yet here I am, sometimes going weeks without hearing from D. I also don't want people’s pity though, and that's why I don't really talk about it with anyone. Not my family, not my friends (although I suppose it seems hypocritical to talk about it here).  But that's why I started this blog in the first place. It's my Switzerland - the place I can vent all this type of stuff without anyone throwing me a pity party.

My hope when I began writing was that there might be other women like me out there in the blogosphere. Who have moments where they feel like a bad wife for hating their husband's job. For feeling guilty about getting emotional when they've had a bad day and all they want is a hug when they get home, but that's not in the cards. It's about the good, bad and ugly of being a military wife, or any sort of work widow really.

I know I will struggle with my two wolves for the next 10 years of D's career, and that's something I accepted a long time ago. This life is anything but easy, but it is temporary (he's already got his retirement date picked for cryin' out loud). I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Someday, my husband will be all mine.  And I will no longer be a mistress to the Marine Corps.

But for now I choose to feed the good wolf, and remember that all of these sacrifices are worth it in the end.

Because when you love someone, that's all that matters.

One Year

Today's the day.  One year ago today I married D (and the Marine Corps for that matter).  My how time flies when you're insanely busy.

I actually got to talk to D yesterday morning which was a very happy surprise.  We hadn't spoken on the phone since he arrived in Japan over two weeks ago, so hearing his voice was a great way to start the weekend.  He hasn't had Internet in his room since he got there, so there's no way to email, IM, or skype.  I really miss being able to talk to him on a regular basis, but its amazing how something as simple as an hour long phone call can make you feel so much better. Our lack of communication since he got there has been making me more and more anxious. I feel like there's so much going on that I want/need to talk to him about, and yet I can't.

Unfortunately he was calling because he'd had a particularly bad day and really needed to talk to me, but I was glad that I heard the phone ring and woke up so I could take his call.  It also made me glad that when he had a bad day, the one person he wanted to talk to about it was me.  You have to understand, my husband is not a complainer.  He's a Marine.  He compartmentalizes things that bother/upset him because that's what he was trained to do.  They can't allow anything to distract them because depending on where they are and what they're doing, that could put people's lives at risk.  Do I wish he was able to talk about what's on his mind more than he does?  Absolutely.  But I understand why he doesn't, and I just hope someday when he's no longer active duty he can learn to process things as they happen rather than store them away to be forgotten. 

We were also able to talk about the tentative plans for the yard which is something I've been itching to do.  It's been weird meeting with designers and getting estimates and mapping things out without him here to bounce ideas off of, get immediate input on.  I'm really excited about it all though, the yard is going to look so great when it's done!  I'm meeting with another outfit this week and after I get numbers back from them I should be able to make a decision about who to hire.  I'm still having moments where I sit back and say, "holy cow, we own a house."

Other than adjusting to D being gone life is starting to take it's familiar "on my own schedule" shape.  I feel perpetually tired, and yet I can't seem to get to bed before 12m or 1a.  I'll just start puttering around the house doing little things that need to get done and before I know it, it's waaaaaaay past my bedtime.  If D were home we'd be in bed by 1030p every night.  He's a routine guy like that.

For our one year anniversary gift (to ourselves) I got us an anniversary journal.  It's a gorgeous hand bound book with entries for us to write about each anniversary - how we celebrated, memorable moments from the year, and a place for us to share our thoughts on the last year with one another.  I figured since we'd be spending the next few years apart it'd be a good way to document the time we did get to spend together, and also a great thing to be able to look back on further down the road.

I don't know what the next few years are going to be like, but I know this first year was our best yet: it's the longest amount of uninterrupted time we've spent together since we met, and I can't think of a better way to spend your first year of marriage.

Happy Anniversary D, I love you.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

So much has happened since I last wrote, I hardly know where to begin.

My last post was full of unanswered questions and three months ago (I know, bad blogger…) My world has been shaken and stirred in so many directions during the last month that I feel like a snow globe. I’d been watching the weeks rolling past on the calendar, getting closer to our “we have to move NOW” date without any new developments on our pending home purchase. I’m truly surprised I don’t have an ulcer by now. We were both ridiculously anxious, and I could tell it was really starting to wear us down.

Obviously things didn’t end horribly, but I’ll give you the breakdown: Since my last post we’ve moved into our home (yay for not being homeless!!), attended my high school reunion, visited family in Chicago, saw the Cubs loose at Wrigley (all while hanging with JB and her new man!  Had so much fun!!), signed what seems like a million papers (the upside being I’ve perfected my new signature), I entered my last year of my 20's, we've hosted several get together's for both family and friends, closed escrow, made-over several rooms, and now have three and a half weeks until D leaves for a two year duty station in Japan. Needless to say I’m feeling a little overwhelmed.

We’ve been going full force for the last few months straight and I can feel its effects. I’ve been sleeping like the dead and don’t feel rested unless I’ve gotten eight hours. Other than our week in Chicago I haven’t taken any time off before or after the move, and I think that has a lot to do with how I’m feeling. I look at everything we’ve done in the last month that we’ve lived here though and at least feel satisfied at all we’ve accomplished. It’s tangible, which always makes me feel good.

The cat has been a never ending source of entertainment since we got here. The move was not an enjoyable experience for him, unfortunately, and during our first night in the house he hid under the couch the whole time. We allowed him into our room on night two and he proceeded to pass out in the crook of my arm for the entire night. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that cat sleep that hard. He didn’t wake up to walk all over me once, which was a very pleasant surprise. Since then he’s warmed up to the new living situation though and now appears to be quite content (which in turn makes me very happy). We even upped the ante on the “I love my cat THIS much” meter and bought him (or us?) a CatGenie, but that deserves a post all to itself. With pictures. (more to come on that…)

Now that the dust has settled a bit we’re in that place where we sit back and go, “now what?” It still seems surreal to be a homeowner, let alone the fact that our one year wedding anniversary is right around the corner. One year! It feels like it could be a day. The months seem to have melted together, which is funny since this has been the longest period of time we’ve spent together since we met. Well, it’s not funny, that’s military life for you. It’s a good feeling to look at the person you promised to spend the rest of your life with (in front of God and your family at that,) and know that it was the best decision you ever made. That's what makes all of this bearable.

I know the next few weeks are going to be gone before I know it as well, so I’m doing my best to make the most out of them (i.e. doing things other than house projects). My biggest problem is I have a carryover list of things I want to do with D from the last few deployments that still haven’t been completed, so what the hell is my list going to look like with D living in Japan for the next two years?

Very, very long I’m guessing.

(25 more days – trying to make them count)

Marriage is a Verb

"Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day." —Ann Landers 

Ann, I couldn't agree more.

(if you guessed that I'm about to climb onto my Marriage soapbox, go give yourself a cookie...) ;-)

Marriage is especially a verb if you're married to the military (trust me, there's no escaping that fact when you're a Marine Corps mistress...) I've spent more time apart from D than I have with him in the four years we've been together, and while that may sound hellish to most, it's the only life we know. We're both fiercely independent people (jury's still out if that's a bad thing or not,) and having the space that we get is just something we work with. I like to think it makes the time we do have together that much more special, but it's not like I'll forego a girls night out just because he's home.

I think the biggest key here though is that marriage is an action word. We constantly make the effort to be present every day for each other, to be supportive and caring and loving, both in person and when we're apart. Just because my husband's job dictates our geography and how much he's home doesn't mean it has to dictate our relationship. That's something we control. I chose this life when I chose him. I knew what I was getting into. Is it fun? It has its moments, just like everything else (the uniforms are definitely an added bonus,) but at the end of the day I'm married to my best friend and I'd choose that over an easy/cushy life any time.

Given that I'm still a newbie to "The Club" I don't feel that I'm in any position to really give marriage advice, but what I can say is this: cherish every moment you have with your partner, because there are those of us who don't have the luxury of having our significant other home every night. I'll miss D when he's off in Bahrain for six weeks, but you'd better believe I'm going to take full advantage of this time apart to remind myself of why my life is so much better with him in it, and how lucky I am to be his wife.

Pride cometh...

The saying goes, "Pride cometh before the fall." There are lots of things that cause us to fall. We fall (a lot) when we first learn how to walk. We fall into our work when we want to get our minds off personal matters. Scandal causes us to fall from grace. And we fall in love.

I thought I had it all figured out... before I fell in love with D. If there's anything that life has taught me thus far, it's that you don't really know yourself until you've seen yourself through someone else's eyes (also known as, humility does wonders for your ego...) It's also taught me that in spite of what you may already know about yourself, those things can change in the blink of an eye. Change is good. Any species on the planet that hasn't evolved has died, and I think the same goes for a person's soul.

I find myself in uncharted territory as of late. Being a newlywed, I have to think in terms of "we" instead of "me", of "us" instead of "I". I have a new name, and with it comes a whole new identity. I still stumble when saying my new full name to people, and hesitate ever so slightly when referring to "my husband". I know it will take time for those ticks to work themselves out, but it's the larger implication of these words and titles that give me pause. I want to do them justice. I am half of a whole now. I am one half of a unit, a team, a newly formed family. While we're both doing our best we know that nothing and no one is perfect, and that we'll have a few laughs at our own expense along the way.

And yet, ironically...

A girlfriend of ours lovingly wrote on the card on our wedding gift, "To the perfect couple," and I like to think we strive every day to make that sentiment true (as best as we can at least.) For now, I'm content watching my husband attempt to beat my scores on the Wii Fit, and dishing out the healthy dose of teasing that goes along with that. We do have to keep each other grounded as a part of the growing process, after all.