Eat, Pray, Love

"People think a soul mate is our perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life"
                                                                                                    - Richard from Texas


I just saw the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" with Julia Roberts on DVD (while drinking wine and eating pasta. And gelato.) And it made me thankful for what I have, but gave me a bit of the travel bug as well. How could it not? Italy, India, Indonesia... some of the most beautiful places in the world, all places I'd love to see someday.

With D, of course.

A few years back I read the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, and at the time it was a revelation. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't read it yet, but her path to self-discovery took her all over the world. She experienced excruciating heartbreak and sadness before she finally found what she was looking for, before she found happiness. I have not experienced the pain she did personally that drove her to make that journey, but when I look back on the last six years of my life or so, I realize that I've been on a journey too.

Many times in life it takes heartbreak or hardship to grow as a person. To finally see yourself clearly, to truly know what your worth is. I feel fortunate enough that I have gone through that without any real emotional scars, and came out on the other side a changed person.

I grew.

I 'met' myself for the first time in my adult life, and finally figured out who hem is on her own. I was living alone in LA at the time, and the period following that heartbreak are some of the happiest memories of my adult life. I met new people and made great friends I still talk to today. I had an active social life. I focused on my career more. All things that so easily fall by the wayside when your life is defined by another person or the relationship you're in, rather than yourself.

I've witnessed friends have their hearts broken but not be changed by it. They still dated the same types of guys who would break their hearts again, and they never seemed to feel that they were worth more than that. Or at least that's what their behavior would indicate.

I know now without a doubt that period of growth for me is why I'm where I am today. I met D about a year after I 'found' myself, and the person he met was the one he fell in love with. The new me. Having that time to myself made me realize what I wanted in a relationship, and when I met him and got to know him, I knew he could make me happy for the rest of my life. But I might not have known that if I hadn't had that year to myself first.

On the flip side being in a relationship with D has changed me as well, but in good ways I think. He is the savory to my sweet. The calm seas to my storm. I look back and see how much I've mellowed since I met him (he has a very calming effect on me). He helps me to not sweat the small stuff, which is something I do all too easily. He puts things into perspective, reminds me of what's really important in life. So I guess really, the person I am now isn't the one he met five years ago. It's a hybrid of who I was then and who I am now, which isn't a bad thing because I still know who I am as a person.

And at the moment, it's a Marine Corps Mistress with the travel bug and a husband who lives six thousand miles away.

:P

I haven't done much traveling thus far in my adult life. I'll be 30 in less than five months and I have zero stamps in my passport. It's something I desperately want to rectify, but my biggest problem is I want to see them with D. All of it. The whole world. And that really isn't going to happen until he and I actually live in the same country, for starters.

I already know where I want to start though: Italy. It looks like a place where you could go and just fall in love all over again in. We've already talked about taking that trip when D rotates home, so I have plenty of time to plan before he gets back.

That and think about all the amazing food we'll get to eat when we finally get there.

Loved

Right now, I'm happy.

Really, really happy.

For all the times where I'm having a hard time, the bad days, frustration... there are days like these where I feel like I'm floating. Of course it doesn't hurt that Monday was Valentine’s Day and it seemed the world was wearing rose colored glasses. Or at least I was. But Hallmark Holidays aside Monday was a good day for many reasons, and I went to bed at the end of the day feeling very loved.

I love days like that.

Out of the five Valentines Days D and I have been together he's been home for three, which isn't too bad all considering. We've had a tradition of making some romantic gesture towards one another every year, some years more grandiose than others. Our first Valentine’s Day together he took me on a dinner cruise on the Hornblower around San Diego harbor and Coronado Island. It was a lot of fun and quite romantic, and every year since he's found some thoughtful way to show me (and/or tell me) that he loves me.

(<--- lucky girl)

I'd learned last Friday night that a girlfriend was going to be alone on Valentine’s Day like I was (her guy had an out of town gig so he wouldn't be home), and I told her she should come over for dinner at my house. I'd been planning on spoiling myself with a delicious Valentine’s Day meal for one, but it would be that much better if there was someone else to share it with and she happily accepted.

I was particularly excited about this meal because I was going to attempt something I'd never done before: I was going to make homemade hollandaise sauce. Julia Child's hollandaise sauce. Last year D and I saw "Julie & Julia" right before Valentine’s Day and it threw me into a Julia Child frenzy. I wanted to cook like that – with that joie-de-vie that Julia possesses – and turn out amazing, butter laden things that make your taste buds sing in delight. Being the wonderful, thoughtful, butter-loving man that he is, D promptly went online and ordered "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" Vol I & II for me for Valentine’s Day (the ultimate act of foodie LOVE!)

So naturally, it only seemed fitting that I should make this year's Valentine’s Day meal with last year's Valentine’s Day gift in honor of D, who is currently enjoying record snow fall in Korea (and I use the term 'enjoying' very loosely, of course...)

Monday morning came and I woke up feeling energized. It just felt like it was going to be a good day. I even went so far as to dress for the occasion: all red and pink, right down to my cardigan and shoes. All day all I could think about was the fabulous meal I was going to go home and make, and how excited I was to finally attempt Hollandaise (what can I say, it's the little things in life that excite me).

I got away from my desk for lunch and indulged in a spicy tuna sushi salad at Bristol Farms. Seriously, one of the best things.  Ever. The sunshine felt wonderful and it was an absolutely beautiful day. To make a great day even better though, I came back from lunch to this on my desk:

You have to understand, I've never gotten flowers from D before, EVER. These were my first flowers in five years with the man, so this was not something I expected at all. To have them on my desk that afternoon while I was working (along with the very sweet note he sent) made him feel not so far away. It's those kinds of moments that really keep me going while he's gone because it's yet another reminder that even with over six thousand miles between us, we know how the other feels without having to be physically present. Love has to be expressed through words and gestures when you're not around to show it, and at the end of the day I know my husband loves me with all his heart.

After work my coworker and I had some chocolate spice martinis while we nibbled on triple crème brie with homemade crostini and rosemary Marcona almonds in my kitchen (YUM!). We visited while I prepared dinner and got together all the ingredients for the hollandaise, and it felt like what used to be a normal weeknight for me. When D was home and we'd talk about our day while we cooked dinner together.

I miss that.  A lot.

Everything was coming together nicely and right as I was finishing up the hollandaise and getting ready to plate our dinner my phone rang. It was D calling to wish me a happy Valentine’s Day. While standing in the snow. Outside the internet cafe because it wasn't open yet (he was able to log into Skype on his iPhone from outside the cafe using their free Wi-Fi.  Yay for Skype!) It was a brief conversation because I was juggling plates and he was technically at work, but it was so good to hear his voice.

That phone call was the missing piece to the puzzle, and my Valentine’s Day was complete. Flowers AND a phone call in one day! I could have died a happy girl. It truly was the perfect ending to a wonderful day.

(Well, that and this... because every wonderful day needs a molten chocolate cake with vanilla crème fraîche to be complete, right?) ;)

Struggle Within

I won't lie; I've had a time of it with D gone as of late.

It's like I took two steps forward in setting up my 'home alone' routine, and his visit at Christmas set me back to square one. In the three weeks he was home I got used to him being around, having someone to talk to. It made me realize just how much I miss him when he's gone.

Normally I adjust when he leaves, keep calm and carry on. I'm really, really good at staying busy, which is a valuable skill set when you're a military wife. I think what's been throwing me off course is the fact that he's not on a deployment, and that sets me up for the expectation that I can talk to him regularly (like we did during his last two deployments). That we can Skype all the time so I can see his face. That we'll still have our usual sarcastic banter back and forth via IM and email that makes it feel like we have a normal relationship, like everyone else who gets to see their spouse every day.

Except we don't.

His new unit and subsequent work schedule keeps him at work 14+ hour days in most cases. Not even weekends are sacred. I emailed the FRO to find out why the crazy hours were a regular thing and was basically told this is just the way it is, so we have to deal with it. Which of course is no comfort, and being half way around the world I don’t have the support of the other wives who are just as husband-less as I am. I am an island (which I find ironic since Okinawa is an island, and San Diego is anything but). 

I saw this post on another blog I happened across, Whiskey Straight, and it perfectly articulated how I've been feeling:

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life…

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

“One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

“The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

“This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The old chief simply replied,

“The one you feed.”

I don't want to feed the frustration and bitterness that gets a hold of me every now and then, but it's really hard not to sometimes. I never thought I'd be in a position where talking to my spouse was a luxury, and yet here I am, sometimes going weeks without hearing from D. I also don't want people’s pity though, and that's why I don't really talk about it with anyone. Not my family, not my friends (although I suppose it seems hypocritical to talk about it here).  But that's why I started this blog in the first place. It's my Switzerland - the place I can vent all this type of stuff without anyone throwing me a pity party.

My hope when I began writing was that there might be other women like me out there in the blogosphere. Who have moments where they feel like a bad wife for hating their husband's job. For feeling guilty about getting emotional when they've had a bad day and all they want is a hug when they get home, but that's not in the cards. It's about the good, bad and ugly of being a military wife, or any sort of work widow really.

I know I will struggle with my two wolves for the next 10 years of D's career, and that's something I accepted a long time ago. This life is anything but easy, but it is temporary (he's already got his retirement date picked for cryin' out loud). I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Someday, my husband will be all mine.  And I will no longer be a mistress to the Marine Corps.

But for now I choose to feed the good wolf, and remember that all of these sacrifices are worth it in the end.

Because when you love someone, that's all that matters.

One Year

Today's the day.  One year ago today I married D (and the Marine Corps for that matter).  My how time flies when you're insanely busy.

I actually got to talk to D yesterday morning which was a very happy surprise.  We hadn't spoken on the phone since he arrived in Japan over two weeks ago, so hearing his voice was a great way to start the weekend.  He hasn't had Internet in his room since he got there, so there's no way to email, IM, or skype.  I really miss being able to talk to him on a regular basis, but its amazing how something as simple as an hour long phone call can make you feel so much better. Our lack of communication since he got there has been making me more and more anxious. I feel like there's so much going on that I want/need to talk to him about, and yet I can't.

Unfortunately he was calling because he'd had a particularly bad day and really needed to talk to me, but I was glad that I heard the phone ring and woke up so I could take his call.  It also made me glad that when he had a bad day, the one person he wanted to talk to about it was me.  You have to understand, my husband is not a complainer.  He's a Marine.  He compartmentalizes things that bother/upset him because that's what he was trained to do.  They can't allow anything to distract them because depending on where they are and what they're doing, that could put people's lives at risk.  Do I wish he was able to talk about what's on his mind more than he does?  Absolutely.  But I understand why he doesn't, and I just hope someday when he's no longer active duty he can learn to process things as they happen rather than store them away to be forgotten. 

We were also able to talk about the tentative plans for the yard which is something I've been itching to do.  It's been weird meeting with designers and getting estimates and mapping things out without him here to bounce ideas off of, get immediate input on.  I'm really excited about it all though, the yard is going to look so great when it's done!  I'm meeting with another outfit this week and after I get numbers back from them I should be able to make a decision about who to hire.  I'm still having moments where I sit back and say, "holy cow, we own a house."

Other than adjusting to D being gone life is starting to take it's familiar "on my own schedule" shape.  I feel perpetually tired, and yet I can't seem to get to bed before 12m or 1a.  I'll just start puttering around the house doing little things that need to get done and before I know it, it's waaaaaaay past my bedtime.  If D were home we'd be in bed by 1030p every night.  He's a routine guy like that.

For our one year anniversary gift (to ourselves) I got us an anniversary journal.  It's a gorgeous hand bound book with entries for us to write about each anniversary - how we celebrated, memorable moments from the year, and a place for us to share our thoughts on the last year with one another.  I figured since we'd be spending the next few years apart it'd be a good way to document the time we did get to spend together, and also a great thing to be able to look back on further down the road.

I don't know what the next few years are going to be like, but I know this first year was our best yet: it's the longest amount of uninterrupted time we've spent together since we met, and I can't think of a better way to spend your first year of marriage.

Happy Anniversary D, I love you.

Pride cometh...

The saying goes, "Pride cometh before the fall." There are lots of things that cause us to fall. We fall (a lot) when we first learn how to walk. We fall into our work when we want to get our minds off personal matters. Scandal causes us to fall from grace. And we fall in love.

I thought I had it all figured out... before I fell in love with D. If there's anything that life has taught me thus far, it's that you don't really know yourself until you've seen yourself through someone else's eyes (also known as, humility does wonders for your ego...) It's also taught me that in spite of what you may already know about yourself, those things can change in the blink of an eye. Change is good. Any species on the planet that hasn't evolved has died, and I think the same goes for a person's soul.

I find myself in uncharted territory as of late. Being a newlywed, I have to think in terms of "we" instead of "me", of "us" instead of "I". I have a new name, and with it comes a whole new identity. I still stumble when saying my new full name to people, and hesitate ever so slightly when referring to "my husband". I know it will take time for those ticks to work themselves out, but it's the larger implication of these words and titles that give me pause. I want to do them justice. I am half of a whole now. I am one half of a unit, a team, a newly formed family. While we're both doing our best we know that nothing and no one is perfect, and that we'll have a few laughs at our own expense along the way.

And yet, ironically...

A girlfriend of ours lovingly wrote on the card on our wedding gift, "To the perfect couple," and I like to think we strive every day to make that sentiment true (as best as we can at least.) For now, I'm content watching my husband attempt to beat my scores on the Wii Fit, and dishing out the healthy dose of teasing that goes along with that. We do have to keep each other grounded as a part of the growing process, after all.