Eat, Pray, Love

"People think a soul mate is our perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life"
                                                                                                    - Richard from Texas


I just saw the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" with Julia Roberts on DVD (while drinking wine and eating pasta. And gelato.) And it made me thankful for what I have, but gave me a bit of the travel bug as well. How could it not? Italy, India, Indonesia... some of the most beautiful places in the world, all places I'd love to see someday.

With D, of course.

A few years back I read the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, and at the time it was a revelation. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't read it yet, but her path to self-discovery took her all over the world. She experienced excruciating heartbreak and sadness before she finally found what she was looking for, before she found happiness. I have not experienced the pain she did personally that drove her to make that journey, but when I look back on the last six years of my life or so, I realize that I've been on a journey too.

Many times in life it takes heartbreak or hardship to grow as a person. To finally see yourself clearly, to truly know what your worth is. I feel fortunate enough that I have gone through that without any real emotional scars, and came out on the other side a changed person.

I grew.

I 'met' myself for the first time in my adult life, and finally figured out who hem is on her own. I was living alone in LA at the time, and the period following that heartbreak are some of the happiest memories of my adult life. I met new people and made great friends I still talk to today. I had an active social life. I focused on my career more. All things that so easily fall by the wayside when your life is defined by another person or the relationship you're in, rather than yourself.

I've witnessed friends have their hearts broken but not be changed by it. They still dated the same types of guys who would break their hearts again, and they never seemed to feel that they were worth more than that. Or at least that's what their behavior would indicate.

I know now without a doubt that period of growth for me is why I'm where I am today. I met D about a year after I 'found' myself, and the person he met was the one he fell in love with. The new me. Having that time to myself made me realize what I wanted in a relationship, and when I met him and got to know him, I knew he could make me happy for the rest of my life. But I might not have known that if I hadn't had that year to myself first.

On the flip side being in a relationship with D has changed me as well, but in good ways I think. He is the savory to my sweet. The calm seas to my storm. I look back and see how much I've mellowed since I met him (he has a very calming effect on me). He helps me to not sweat the small stuff, which is something I do all too easily. He puts things into perspective, reminds me of what's really important in life. So I guess really, the person I am now isn't the one he met five years ago. It's a hybrid of who I was then and who I am now, which isn't a bad thing because I still know who I am as a person.

And at the moment, it's a Marine Corps Mistress with the travel bug and a husband who lives six thousand miles away.

:P

I haven't done much traveling thus far in my adult life. I'll be 30 in less than five months and I have zero stamps in my passport. It's something I desperately want to rectify, but my biggest problem is I want to see them with D. All of it. The whole world. And that really isn't going to happen until he and I actually live in the same country, for starters.

I already know where I want to start though: Italy. It looks like a place where you could go and just fall in love all over again in. We've already talked about taking that trip when D rotates home, so I have plenty of time to plan before he gets back.

That and think about all the amazing food we'll get to eat when we finally get there.

Enlightenment, or Just Lightheadedness?

There are moments in our lives when we take a step back and say, "What am I doing with my life?" I found myself asking such a question in a 105 degree room with 40% humidity while in the garurasana pose on Saturday morning, and at that moment in time I was drawing a blank. Of course, the heat will do that to you.  

It all started about four weeks ago when I was looking at my calendar, and realized in five short months my husband was leaving for Japan and I'd be embarking on my next adventure in Marine Corps Widowhood. I'd been taking stock of my life and the upcoming changes that I'd be facing before the year is out and I realized I wanted more of a balance: of the physical, mental and spiritual to help me get through it.  

In Jainism, yoga refers to the sum of mental, verbal and physical disciplines (what a coincidence, just what I'm looking for!) so I thought I'd investigate and see what my options were. There are different types of yoga, but the one that interested me the most is Bikram. Set in a 104 degree room with 40% humidity, Bikram is a series of 26 poses each performed two times and held for a certain period of time. Needless, to say, it's unlike anything I've ever done before. I was worried going into my first class because the major extent of my yoga experience came from my Wii Fit (no, seriously,) and from what I'd heard and read Bikram was not for the faint of heart. I decided though that no matter what anything or anyone said I could do it. I'd already proven to myself that I could run 26.2 miles consecutively, and that I could live a full an happy life even with D gone for seven months at a time, so what's a hot room full of really bendy people got going on that I can't handle?

I was relieved to see when I got there that there were people of all ages in the class, and I wasn't the only first timer. The heat was a little uncomfortable at first, but after five minutes or so my body adjusted and I wasn't thinking about the temperature. The class was an hour and half, so I knew I'd be in trouble if I was focusing on the heat from the get go. We started out with standing poses and I was feeling pretty good about how I was doing, and then the heater kicked on. 

Oiy. 

I don't think I've sweat that much in my life. I was having a hard time holding poses because my limbs were so slick with sweat I had no traction to keep them in place. Talk about the grossest feeing in the world!! I soldiered on though, and before I knew it the class was over. I'd survived! I felt this enormous sense of accomplishment for what I'd just done, but at the same I felt a physical exhaustion that only running has been able to achieve thus far. All of that was quickly replaced though by my overwhelming desire to take a shower.

Looking back I probably didn't need to psych myself up so much, but it got my rear in gear so I figured it wasn't all bad. I've been going to Bikram for three weeks now and have proven that yes, I can do just about anything I put my mind to, but not everything is as it seems. Bikram challenges me physically and yet it's shown me I'm capable of things I never thought I could do. I was able to complete my first class without having to sit out once (which made me feel all the more invigorated when class was done,) and some of the poses I did were ones I'd never been able to do at home. Don't get me wrong, this is by far not the easiest thing I've ever done, but when all was said and done I felt like I could do anything, and that alone is worth an hour and a half of sweating it out every weekend.

I'm hoping that as the weeks go by and my yoga improves it will lend itself to other parts of my life. My constant desire to better myself is something that's always driven me, and realizing new potential within me will only help push me to find other areas I once deemed as weak to improve upon. Of course, it'd be nice to gain some flexibility along the way.

Until then, Namaste!