Struggle Within

I won't lie; I've had a time of it with D gone as of late.

It's like I took two steps forward in setting up my 'home alone' routine, and his visit at Christmas set me back to square one. In the three weeks he was home I got used to him being around, having someone to talk to. It made me realize just how much I miss him when he's gone.

Normally I adjust when he leaves, keep calm and carry on. I'm really, really good at staying busy, which is a valuable skill set when you're a military wife. I think what's been throwing me off course is the fact that he's not on a deployment, and that sets me up for the expectation that I can talk to him regularly (like we did during his last two deployments). That we can Skype all the time so I can see his face. That we'll still have our usual sarcastic banter back and forth via IM and email that makes it feel like we have a normal relationship, like everyone else who gets to see their spouse every day.

Except we don't.

His new unit and subsequent work schedule keeps him at work 14+ hour days in most cases. Not even weekends are sacred. I emailed the FRO to find out why the crazy hours were a regular thing and was basically told this is just the way it is, so we have to deal with it. Which of course is no comfort, and being half way around the world I don’t have the support of the other wives who are just as husband-less as I am. I am an island (which I find ironic since Okinawa is an island, and San Diego is anything but). 

I saw this post on another blog I happened across, Whiskey Straight, and it perfectly articulated how I've been feeling:

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life…

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

“One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

“The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

“This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The old chief simply replied,

“The one you feed.”

I don't want to feed the frustration and bitterness that gets a hold of me every now and then, but it's really hard not to sometimes. I never thought I'd be in a position where talking to my spouse was a luxury, and yet here I am, sometimes going weeks without hearing from D. I also don't want people’s pity though, and that's why I don't really talk about it with anyone. Not my family, not my friends (although I suppose it seems hypocritical to talk about it here).  But that's why I started this blog in the first place. It's my Switzerland - the place I can vent all this type of stuff without anyone throwing me a pity party.

My hope when I began writing was that there might be other women like me out there in the blogosphere. Who have moments where they feel like a bad wife for hating their husband's job. For feeling guilty about getting emotional when they've had a bad day and all they want is a hug when they get home, but that's not in the cards. It's about the good, bad and ugly of being a military wife, or any sort of work widow really.

I know I will struggle with my two wolves for the next 10 years of D's career, and that's something I accepted a long time ago. This life is anything but easy, but it is temporary (he's already got his retirement date picked for cryin' out loud). I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Someday, my husband will be all mine.  And I will no longer be a mistress to the Marine Corps.

But for now I choose to feed the good wolf, and remember that all of these sacrifices are worth it in the end.

Because when you love someone, that's all that matters.

A Time To Plant...

...a time to rip my hair out in frustration.

I thought the hard part was over when the hard scape portion of my yard project was done. We put up a new fence (custom made by Dad!), distributed gypsum to help break down all the lovely clay that makes up pretty much all of San Diego County, put in drain pipes and filled in the planter that was empty (and non-existent) before. I've even had gutters installed to help preserve the hard scape and newly minted planter beds in the front yard from the roof runoff that we were having while it was raining. For what felt like the entire month of December. What I didn't anticipate though was how hard it was going to be to decide what, exactly, I was going to put in those planters.  Besides plants.

Why is this so hard?

Sure, I know where the grass and roses are going to go, but I'm still left with three empty planter areas and a whole host of possibilities that makes my head spin. I know part of the problem is I'm putting undue pressure on myself, but this is the front yard of my house.

My calling card.

The first impression people will have of me as a homeowner, before ever having laid eyes on me or met me.

Every opinion formed of me by every stranger who ever passes by my home will be based on what they think of my yard.

Yea, no pressure or anything.

(Normally I don't care too much about what other people think, but my home is a source of pride for me.  That and I have an HOA.  'nuff said).

If it sucks, then that's all people will be able to see. It will distract them from all the gorgeous stack stone and the five stone, variegated, tumbled pavers I just put down. That and the fact that I took the time to painstakingly scrutinize five shades of white to ensure my gutters perfectly match my trim and stucco?  That will all be for naught because all they can think is, "what were they thinking with those plants?"  (Overly dramatic?  Perhaps, but bear with me... I'm trying to make a point). 

If it's fabulous, I can relax knowing that I'm not the one bringing down everyone's property value, and can have the self satisfaction of having raised the bar for the neighborhood that much more.  In the spirit of full disclosure I should note: we received an anonymous nasty gram in our mailbox about the state of our yard right after we'd moved in, which neither of us have forgotten or quite forgiven.  The ink wasn't even dry yet on our mortgage, we'd been homeowners for a matter of weeks and suddenly there was a note saying "If you don't have time to take care of your yard, you should hire someone to do it for you."  It was all I could do to keep D from going door to door demanding to know who'd written it. Luckily for them we were already planning on ripping the yard out (which is why we weren't watering it), but that only added fuel to the fire.

Rude, gutless neighbors aside; I want a yard I can be proud of. Something that's beautiful for my benefit, first and foremost. I've been scouring books and nurseries for ideas, and let me tell you, if you want to be overwhelmed pick up a copy of the Sunset Gardener's Handbook. Ho-ly Cow. Anything you could ever want to know about any sort of plant is in there, which is probably why it's not the best place to start. It's a lot to digest all at once without actually being able to see anything in person.

Naturally I'd love D's input on these sorts of things, but of course his living in a different country doesn't lend itself to helping with weekend projects such as these. Dad's been my man power during the last six months, and for that I've been eternally grateful. Next up on our list is to finish distributing the mulch in the planters, rototill everything in to mix it all up, finish removing the last of the tree roots from the 20’ tree I had ripped out of the front yard, and then rent a trencher to dig the trenches for the sprinkler and electrical conduits. (Ah yes, Landscape Design 101 continues...) After that we can install the sprinklers and start to actually plant some plants!

Which of course brings me back to... what exactly am I going to put in the planters?

New Year, Same Song and Dance

I can't believe it's 2011. Where did 2010 go?

The last few months have been a blur (hence the lack of posting), but that's what happens during the holidays. It also hasn't helped that this year has felt insanely busy already, and we're only (less than) a month in. I'm hoping this isn't a sign of things to come...

This last Thanksgiving was a little weird because it was the first one I hadn't spent with D since we met, which is pretty incredible given his occupation. It was still a good one though - I went to my parent’s house and we had a small get together with family and friends. I even made The Best Pie, EVER! (bourbon-pecan pumpkin butter pie). I know, you wish you'd been there to have some. Dad brined the turkey and mom and dad's friends the Smith's brought a family recipe to the table: pork sausage dressing. I thought I'd died and gone to stuffing heaven. Needless to say there was no shortage of good food or company to be had, but it still felt a little hollow with D gone.

The great thing about November and December is you get two major holidays within a month of each other. The even better thing this last year was D came home for three weeks to spend Christmas with me in our new home! It's hard to quantify how you feel when you see the person you love the most for the first time in three and a half months. It was like he never left. We fell so easily back into our routine, right down to the way he holds my hand while I'm driving when we were on our way home from the airport. Everything felt right and whole again.

And then, there was the big reveal.

I'd been secretly dying to know what he'd think of the house when he saw it for the first time in person. All the time, work, (money!!!) and labor were only worth it if he liked it as much as I did. Pictures only show you so much when you're dealing with a project of this scale, but my husband was clearly in awe when we rounded the corner into the cul-de-sac, with that "whoa" look in his eyes. He was very pleased with the end result which only added to my joy that day.

We made the most of the time we had and within the first two weeks were so deep into a food and drink coma that it was obvious that some serious detox would be needed to come out of it. But, what are the holidays if not a time to eat, drink, and be merry with the ones we love?

Christmas was fantastic, and being able to spend it together in our new home made it all the more special. We realized a little too late that we were feeling a bit drained from all our activities though, trying to squeeze as much into his visit as we could. I'd wanted so badly to see and do all the things I hadn't been able to do with him over the last few months, but what he really wanted to do was sit at home and just relax, with nowhere to be and nothing to do. It's hard to plan for everything, especially once you're in the thick of it.

Before we knew it our time was up. New Years had come and gone, and we found ourselves with a still lengthy to-do list and no more time to do anything. It's so hard not to feel selfish when I watch him pack and can't help but say, "I wish you didn't have to go."

Luckily work has kept me very busy over the last few weeks, so I haven't had too much time to really sit and feel lonely. Our talking schedule hasn't gotten any better sadly, as D returned to 14+ hour work days and the 17 hour time difference that makes talking so hard to begin with. What's really crazy is he's been over there for six months already, so depending on when he gets his next set of orders we could be 1/3 of the way through. It just goes to show that even in the most undesirable of situations, time still flies.

I've been surprised at how life has been with D away this time around. It feels different, perhaps because it's more than just a deployment, but it's definitely more stressful on my end (and that's without a wedding to plan!) All the moving parts that go into homeownership and maintenance, the responsibilities, (the cleaning!) are all things I had no real way to prepare for. But seeing as how a large part of our lives are spent apart, I'm taking it as a character building exercise. D married me because he knew I could handle it (well, that and he couldn't live without me).

I will say this: I'm looking forward to everything 2011 has to offer because I know no matter what happens, we'll take the lemons, add some sugar and vodka and have ourselves a party. ;)