Big Girls Don't Cry

The day came and went, and now he's gone.

As I sat in the car and watched him roll his bags into the terminal I found myself dry eyed.  I felt none of the things you're supposed to feel as you're watching your husband walk away, knowing it will be months before you'll see him again.  I felt numb.

When we'd said our goodbye's at the curb the first thing he said was, "I love you." I don't think he knows how much that meant to me, because I'm always the one to say it first.  It's not that I love him more or he loves me less, it's just how we are.  His deviation from protocol told me how much he didn't want to leave without him having to say it.  It was probably the best going away present he could have given me.

And still, I didn't cry.

I drove from the airport to work.  I needed to feel productive, and it was nice to get back to "the usual" again after having been out for a week.  It helped take my mind off of the empty house that would be waiting for me when I got home that night.  I had plans to meet up with some girlfriends at the street fair in Downtown that night after work for dinner, which turned out to be a lot of fun.  If there's anyone who could understand how I felt it was military wives, so hanging out with them right after D left was perfect.  By the time I got home I was exhausted, both mentally and physically.  I had no trouble falling asleep.

And yet, staying asleep seemed to be an issue.

I kept waking up, very aware that I was alone in our room.  In our house.  I'd never spent the night alone in the house since we moved so it was particularly strange.  It felt entirely too empty and quiet without him there, without the rhythm of his breathing to lull me to sleep.  I checked the clock every time I woke up.  Trying to see if it was close to when D was supposed to arrive in Okinawa.  He'd told me he'd call when he got there, and I couldn't help but wonder if that's what was preventing me from sleeping through the night.

It was my alarm this morning that signaled the end to that vicious cycle.  As much as I didn't want to get up I was tired of sleeping in limbo.  It was 6:15am and I still hadn't heard from him.  I put on my glasses and my robe, and just in case I slipped my phone in my robe pocket.  I went downstairs and the cat immediately ran to the foot of the stairs to greet me.  I can always count on him to make me feel loved.  As we had our morning 'love fest' my phone started ringing, and I couldn't help but smile.  I knew it was him without even having to look at it.

He sounded good considering he'd spent a large amount of time on a plane and was now 16 hours ahead from where he'd been less than 24 hours ago.  He'd made it safe and sound and was only one bag short from when he'd left, but other than that everything was fine.  He was exhausted (understandably) so the conversation was short, but it was so good to hear his voice. He told me to "have fun at work" and I told him, "I'll try".

At least his sense of humor didn't get misplaced with his luggage.  :P

S, A, T-U-R, D-A-Y, hey!

A hot cup of white tea, Pandora streaming on the bluray, lounging in my bathrobe on the new sectional on a peaceful Saturday morning.

All with the new house completely to myself (for the entire day!)

If this isn't a great start to the weekend, I don't know what is.

Today marks the first "Me!" day I've had since we moved, and while it would seem crazy to have a "Me!" day right before hubs is about to move out of the country, these are the things that help make my life feel normal.

Very rarely while D’s home do I get a free day to myself on the weekend to just do whatever I want on my own.  The usual monotony of errand running, household chores, grocery shopping and social gatherings are a typical weekend schedule for us (not that we don’t like the social gathering parts, we just get to a point after a while where we want to spend a Saturday night at home doing nothing in particular).

D’s off on a motorcycle ride with the club today to the Ronald Regan Library so he’ll be gone pretty much all day.  He had to leave fairly early to meet the guys so I decided to hang out in bed with the cat a little longer before getting up to go to yoga.  Except when my alarm went off, I wasn’t read to get up yet.  Its Saturday I thought.  One of two days you even have the possibility of sleeping in!  You have the entire day to squeeze a workout in. Why not just sleep until you wake-up naturally and feel rested?  How can I argue with that logic?  :P

The next time I opened my eyes, it was just after 9am.  There was a nice breeze coming in my bedroom window and the cat was napping at the foot of the bed (where he’d surprisingly spent most of the night).  I could hear our neighbor’s roosters, peacocks and donkeys in the distance telling me it was definitely time to get up (oh yea, did I forget to mention?  We moved to Green Acres and livestock is a part of my life’s soundtrack now).  It’s definitely taken some getting used to, but at the same time it’s one of those crazy things that you don’t get in any old subdivision.  I kind of like it.

The house transformation has been going great, but there’s still a lot to do.  My mission today is to get a few loose ends finished off (empty some more boxes, find places for whatevers in said boxes, organize the upstairs bedrooms a little more…) I’m rather looking forward to having the house look really lived in rather than just moved into.

As for the rest of the day… If the sun ever decides to come out, I might even make a foray to the beach.  Here’s hoping!

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

So much has happened since I last wrote, I hardly know where to begin.

My last post was full of unanswered questions and three months ago (I know, bad blogger…) My world has been shaken and stirred in so many directions during the last month that I feel like a snow globe. I’d been watching the weeks rolling past on the calendar, getting closer to our “we have to move NOW” date without any new developments on our pending home purchase. I’m truly surprised I don’t have an ulcer by now. We were both ridiculously anxious, and I could tell it was really starting to wear us down.

Obviously things didn’t end horribly, but I’ll give you the breakdown: Since my last post we’ve moved into our home (yay for not being homeless!!), attended my high school reunion, visited family in Chicago, saw the Cubs loose at Wrigley (all while hanging with JB and her new man!  Had so much fun!!), signed what seems like a million papers (the upside being I’ve perfected my new signature), I entered my last year of my 20's, we've hosted several get together's for both family and friends, closed escrow, made-over several rooms, and now have three and a half weeks until D leaves for a two year duty station in Japan. Needless to say I’m feeling a little overwhelmed.

We’ve been going full force for the last few months straight and I can feel its effects. I’ve been sleeping like the dead and don’t feel rested unless I’ve gotten eight hours. Other than our week in Chicago I haven’t taken any time off before or after the move, and I think that has a lot to do with how I’m feeling. I look at everything we’ve done in the last month that we’ve lived here though and at least feel satisfied at all we’ve accomplished. It’s tangible, which always makes me feel good.

The cat has been a never ending source of entertainment since we got here. The move was not an enjoyable experience for him, unfortunately, and during our first night in the house he hid under the couch the whole time. We allowed him into our room on night two and he proceeded to pass out in the crook of my arm for the entire night. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that cat sleep that hard. He didn’t wake up to walk all over me once, which was a very pleasant surprise. Since then he’s warmed up to the new living situation though and now appears to be quite content (which in turn makes me very happy). We even upped the ante on the “I love my cat THIS much” meter and bought him (or us?) a CatGenie, but that deserves a post all to itself. With pictures. (more to come on that…)

Now that the dust has settled a bit we’re in that place where we sit back and go, “now what?” It still seems surreal to be a homeowner, let alone the fact that our one year wedding anniversary is right around the corner. One year! It feels like it could be a day. The months seem to have melted together, which is funny since this has been the longest period of time we’ve spent together since we met. Well, it’s not funny, that’s military life for you. It’s a good feeling to look at the person you promised to spend the rest of your life with (in front of God and your family at that,) and know that it was the best decision you ever made. That's what makes all of this bearable.

I know the next few weeks are going to be gone before I know it as well, so I’m doing my best to make the most out of them (i.e. doing things other than house projects). My biggest problem is I have a carryover list of things I want to do with D from the last few deployments that still haven’t been completed, so what the hell is my list going to look like with D living in Japan for the next two years?

Very, very long I’m guessing.

(25 more days – trying to make them count)